Can I Get a Hooray?

Well I have to proof it but I finally finished my query letter. Woot! I found writing the two paragraphs to summarize my script was way harder than writing the 120 pages that came before.

I wrote a ton of different variations, and thought of so many more variations until I was sick of it all. I admit I was stuck. I was too much in my head and trying to hard to get in my own way - something I am very good at.

Maybe I should make getting in your own way a sport at Cat-A-Lympics? I could take gold.

So what moved me off my perch? I was cleaning out a forgotten drawer and I found the notebook I used to take notes when I took my writing classes about five years ago. I'm sure it was divine inspiration that made me clean out the drawer - certainly it is not an urge that strikes me on a regular day.

Somehow looking back at the notes a younger me made me realize how far I've come and that I'm ready to move forward. I'd also written a list of what my emotional True North would look and feel like - and I saw I was on the right path.

And just like magic, when I realized I was ready, the words arrived. Of course they came at 4am, as most of my good ideas do - when my ability to block them is lowest. I almost went back to sleep with the a sense of acomplishment - then I realized I'd have to hurt myself if I forgot them before getting them down.

I decided to go into my office like a workday. I wrote down the words in my own hand (with kitties batting at the pen) and I imagined the things that may happen because I was brave enough to write them down. Whatever comes, I know I am ready to take this next step. Ready to be rejected and ready to be accepted too. Ready to stand on my feet and have faith that what happens is exactly what needs to happen. 

Irritated with Myself

I am starting to feel a little cross with myself. I have a ton of things I should be doing and I'm not doing any of them. I am very busy - distracting myself.

If I could be okay with avoiding things that would be one thing, but I'm not. I spend more mental energy being upset with myself than it would take to just get it done. It's such a waste of time and effort.

I guess they call it a block for good reasons. I do feel all blocked up. I need to get back to a place of optimism to a place of confidence.

So this weekend I am going to have some conversations with myself and my creator and ask for some help to move forward again. I need some help to embrace whatever the next phase is going to look like.

I think I am going to take myself out on a date. Treat myself to something that interests me and feeds that part of me that needs a little TLC. I'm not sure what it will be yet - but I think it seems like a positive step to take... to offer myself love instead of just being a harsh critic.

What do you do to treat yourself with kindness?

Picture Imperfect

On my wedding anniversary I thought you might enjoy this little story about the day it all happened. Please enjoy.

I have noticed much attention is spent these days on creating “The Bride’s Perfect Wedding Day”. I find that amusing for two reasons. The groom is entirely left out of the sentence, as if he is just an accessory and somehow the day does not apply to him. Secondly, that for me, it is the imperfect things about our wedding I cherish the most twenty-two years later. 

I look back with great fondness on all the ways our wedding was less than picture perfect. The beautiful bouquets we spent days creating that were somehow left behind before we walked down the aisle, the lovely shoes that hurt my feet so bad I went through the reception barefoot (with no one but my husband the wiser), and the wedding cake fight we all had in front of my mother’s house when it was all over. I treasure those memories as much, if not more, than the moments that were perfect.

We hired a photographer to document “Our Perfect Day” and I love those “Picture Perfect” photographs. The one with me looking down at my bouquet (which thankfully, finally, made an appearance) with my new husband leaning in to give me a sweet kiss on the forehead, and the one that somehow miraculously took off an extra ten pounds (really twenty, it is that good!) as we stare into each others eyes with love.  There are many other pictures from our wedding I love, but again, for me, the two pictures I cherish the most are the ones that capture the imperfect moment. 

In the first picture, the whole wedding party is lined up to take a group shot. The photographer was trying to place us and ensure that everything looked perfect. All of our eyes were on the photographer as he gave us instructions on how and where to stand, except for my husband. Another photographer was also trying to document this moment and stood at slightly different vantage point. As we all focused in another direction, my husband looked at this other photographer and smiled the sweetest smile I can ever imagine. It is the smile of a five year old boy who has awakened to discover the perfect present has been left for him and that in fact it is better than the commercials promised it would be. In that moment I see all the joy my husband felt in marrying me. I still cry when he smiles at me that way, because I know that I am still his favorite present and he is mine. 

The other photograph I cherish is of my family. They are all outside enjoying the patio, the light is soft and gentle and dappled by trees. My father is holding my niece in his arms, my grandmother is sitting close by, my mother and my sister are standing next to them, and they are all laughing as if they just heard an amusing story. There are two pictures of this moment. The first is a normal picture, everything is in focus and in frame, no eyes are closed or mouths open unattractively.

The other version though is perfect to me. It is taken a millisecond later, as if the photographer hit the button again in error and had not meant to take this picture at all. No one has changed position and everything looks just the same, until you really look. This picture is just slightly out of focus, each person is slightly blurred but the background is still in focus. Perhaps the photographer was moving just a bit, but I think that my family was struck even more by the laughter from the imagined story. Each set of eyes are gleaming just a bit brighter.   

I love this picture for many reasons. It is one of the few pictures I have of my beloved grandmother, as she never felt she took a good picture and rarely allowed it. I do not often have the opportunity to see my father, as he lives far away and is often not well enough to make the trip. My niece was a newborn and it was one of the first times my father was able to hold her. My sister was beaming with the joy of being a new mother, a joy that had proved difficult for her to achieve. My mother is also rarely seen in pictures, as she too feels that the camera does not like her. So this group is rare to see together and that alone would make the first picture of this moment perfect. 

I love it more than the other normal picture because it looks as if in that blurred focus that they are frozen in that perfect moment of joy. All the people I love, in one picture imperfect moment.

The Little Things

Sometimes it's the little things that mean the world to me.

Monday night we had a horrible wind storm in town. It sounded like the house was in the Dyson. I turned over in the bed and was so happy to see Quill in his old spot on his wobbie next to me.

Unless the door was shut, with Greyson firmly on the other side, Quill had given up his spot to Greyson. He was spending his nights under the bed or at the end of the bed. Meanwhile Greyson was sprawled in his old spot.

I couldn't help but feel a little guilty that Greyson had booted him out of his spot. I was taking time to make Quill feel welcome in the bed as often as I could. Secret meetings when we could snuggle like old times.

So when I saw he was scared and close to me I was so happy he felt safe there again.

A short time later Greyson came onboard. I thought Quill would move but instead Greyson tucked in next to him and they both stayed put.

They have been enjoying the bed with us ever since.  Greyson comes first and once he's out, Quill comes up.

My heart just soars when I hear Quill purring his way to sleep again beside me. I just love looking over and seeing both my boys with me. Sometimes it's the little things - sleeping alongside the big things - that make me happy.

So Ready

I have been working on this project for awhile at work and I can see the end in my sights. I am so ready for it to be over. Sometimes you just want to be in to something new and different.

I have been in my job for a year and I still feel like each project is something totally new to learn. I like learning new things. Even on the hardest day - I still am so grateful for my job. I love writing. I love working from home. I love my furry co-workers.

Still I know the next job I want is to be able to write things I truly care about. Write stories that change the way people think - maybe make them laugh or cry.

I can't wait for the day I get to sit down at my desk as a (well paid) writer. It's so exciting to think about! I just hope it's not too far away.

Until then I will continue to be so happy for everything I have... and maybe plan for a little vacation. I think some time off might bring everything into focus.

Finally Friday

Friday I am so glad you're back! Boy have I missed you this week!

It has been a rough week at work. I am ready for the break. My best pal is coming to town and I am taking Monday off. Projects be darned.

The kitties have taken to a few rounds of wrestle mania in my office at about 9am every morning this week. I happen to have been on conference calls for each round.

I've had to scramble to shoo them out of the office - actually one of them - to calm things down.

Things always seem to start with a bath. One of them starts to give the other a bath - soon the licks become chews and then it's ON. This week things seem a bit more intense - but they both keep coming back for more. I decided to spray a little calming spray around all the hot spots. We'll see how it goes.

Next week is Quill's Birthday - at least the one I backed into. I can't believe my sweet boy is a year old already. In May it will be his Gotcha Day.

Between now and then there will be a sad anniversary. The day I lost my girl Finny. I still miss her so, but I am always comforted by the feeling she is here with me. I can't be sad for too long when I have two handsome kitty faces staring back at me with love.

Special

I was strolling through the grocery store the other day when I spied them. A whole display of lovely orchid plants.

I just love orchids. I had them all over my wedding, so many years ago. The are special to me. They're so delicate and yet sturdy too. Often they need a little support to stand tall and I think it's a nice reminder that we all need a little support sometimes.

Now, I love them - too much to take them home. Because I fear I am a killer - of plants. I do try to keep them healthy. I tend to be an overwaterer. Kill em with kindness is my motto.

Plus of course they are pricey and I have mentioned before I am a little cheap. I typically can't justify 20+ dollars for a plant.

So like every other time I see the bounty of loveliness - I headed right over to admire them. Then I saw the price. A 4.99 Easter blow-out. Seriously? Five bucks! Seriously!

So now I have a lovely orchid plant on the kitchen counter. Creamy white petals with bold pink centers. I am enjoying them so very much.

No special occasion - just life - and I'm seeing that is reason enough to treat yourself to something special.