Fitting In

I signed up to take an e-course (by Oprah and Brene Brown) on Embracing Your Imperfections. I have quite a few to embrace. It's all about learning to embrace who you are and stop caring what everyone else thinks. Something I was surprised that I really do care about, and that I wish I didn't so much.

I had the funniest reaction to my required supply list. It was a short list:

• A watercolor journal.
• Watercolor paints. 
• Brushes.
• Markers.
• Double-sided tape. 

Over the years of my artistic struggle, I have amassed a rather large collection of art supplies. I knew I had watercolor pencils (unused) and I felt pretty sure I had a pad of watercolor paper. Yet I wasn't really sure where they were, and the idea of getting "new" supplies had me planning a trip to the art store.


Friday I looked over at the bookshelf in my office and there they were - the pad and the pencils. It was like they were sitting there just waiting for me to need them. Suddenly all this anxiety started to come up inside me.

It wasn't the "official" supplies, which meant I was going to be breaking the rules. I was suddenly back in high school, and I couldn't afford the "right" shoes for gym. I was teased cruelly for the knockoff Vans my mom had purchased. I didn't want to be different then and I didn't now - I wanted to fit in. I wanted to do the assignment correctly and be given an e-pat on the back.

Then another thought occurred to me - I was also afraid I would do a good job and be called out for cheating because I didn't have the right supplies.So essentially I couldn't win.

If I caved and got new supplies, then I was just losing the point of the class. If I did well, then maybe I was cheating. If I did poorly, I could blame my failure on not having the right tools. So my default is to be mediocre by design. I hate that. If I'm going to stink or soar at something I want to do it organically not by my own grand design.

Crabby Kitties

I don't know what got into the boys today, but they were a handful. So crazy because yesterday they were so cute together you could almost hurt yourself from squealing over this scene...

Today they must have gotten into some disagreement (maybe Quill demanded equal time?) and the daily wrestling matches took on an unfriendly tone. Funny that I am not sure who is the one being too aggressive. They both look like they are giving it all they have. Quill outweighs Greyson by a lot but is really gentle, and Greyson is small and scrappy. I have never found even a scratch on Greyson, but he is a squealer. Quill is usually silent but I find an occasional little scab. 

Today wasn't too serious, but I decided to separate them a few times. I worry sometimes that it isn't a fair fight. Of course as soon as I did they cried by the door to get back to each other. 

I'd think we were all friends and then it was "on" again. Sigh. Right now they are sleeping around my chair and seem to be friends again.

Redecorating

While I am off this week I think I am going to redecorate my office. My office began it's life as the house junk room. I claimed it as my Craft Room but because I did not spend time crafting in it - it was renamed by hubby as my Crap Room.

It seemed to be a magnet for - well - crap. It's closest to the back door of the house and it was just so easy to toss in the things that came into the house that did not yet have a home. And during my frenzied years of trying to find an artistic voice - it was the place where unused art and craft supplies went to languish and die.

Eventually after a failed attempt at opening a wedding supply store it became the room of failed dreams. A really sad time, but one where I learned a great deal about myself. I wouldn't trade the experience but it was still hard.

Cut ahead to the happy day when I won the job I have of telecommuting and my office became My Office. I made it a place where business happens and cats can nap. But it still retains some of it's former life - wedding supplies in the closet, craft supplies on the shelves, and the occasional dumping ground of things without a home yet.

I think it's time to finally let go of the things I couldn't let go of before. I want my office to reflect what I want my life to become and not be a holdout of the life I gave up. I'm happy for those choices - because they brought me to writing. They brought me home.

Garage Sale

Hubby found out that a few of our neighbors are planning a Garage Sale this weekend. We're not really prepared for a big sale but there sure is some stuff laying around that could go.

On the one hand I love the idea of paring things down and getting rid of things we no longer need. I almost like getting rid of stuff more than acquiring it - okay maybe not that much. On the other hand I always feel a little miffed when people want to dicker.

When we had the last sale I put on what I thought was a fair price (I wanted the stuff to go). Only to have people offer way less than the price I put on it.All I could think about was how much I paid for it originally.

It was painful to see someone offer pennies on my dollars. It had a profound impact on me last time. Every time I thought about buying something I would wonder if it would be on next year's sales table.

It changed the way my hubby thought too. He discovered a real love of the thrill of the sale. He loved to dicker. So I plan on abandoning him and just enjoying the spoils.

So I can go out and get new stuff... on sale. Maybe at our neighbor's garage?

Random

Behold the sparkly glasses - they are still so delightful.

I'm planning on buying software to help me format screenplays. I can use all the help I can get. It all seems like a giant puzzle. I miss novel writing if for no other reason than ease of formatting. 

Okay I miss it for other reasons too. I like making pictures with words. Screenwriting is more like describing the picture with words. I hope that distinction makes sense - it makes sense to me. It seems easier to plot a screenplay and easier to lose yourself in writing a novel (in a good way).

Did I mention how done I already am with Summer? It has been so hot and I thought we were getting a break in temps but that came with humidity. Ugg. I can't wait till October!

Feeling Lost

No surprise. I am feeling a little lost again. I find myself here so often you would think I'd know the way out by now. I guess when you don't know which way to go - you just need to go somewhere. I'm certain that doing nothing is - doing nothing.

Yet doing nothing is so easy. Really. Just kick up my feet and wait for something. Seems a little passive, especially when I think aggressive is what's called for.

I think I am just feeling a little insecure about my screenplay and the idea of sending out query letters seems a little scary. So if I think it needs something - then I should fix it and get on with it. If I think it's good, then I should get it out there and let someone else tell me differently.

I am even considering taking the time to write it as a novel first. Yes - that is a clear stall technique.I may still want to do that - but it shouldn't prevent me from moving forward.

I read a book that gave some bleak odds on getting a script sold. I'm sure that's true but the chance of failure is 100% if I give up without trying. Just let it go crazy lady! Get on with it!!

Can I Get a Hooray?

Well I have to proof it but I finally finished my query letter. Woot! I found writing the two paragraphs to summarize my script was way harder than writing the 120 pages that came before.

I wrote a ton of different variations, and thought of so many more variations until I was sick of it all. I admit I was stuck. I was too much in my head and trying to hard to get in my own way - something I am very good at.

Maybe I should make getting in your own way a sport at Cat-A-Lympics? I could take gold.

So what moved me off my perch? I was cleaning out a forgotten drawer and I found the notebook I used to take notes when I took my writing classes about five years ago. I'm sure it was divine inspiration that made me clean out the drawer - certainly it is not an urge that strikes me on a regular day.

Somehow looking back at the notes a younger me made me realize how far I've come and that I'm ready to move forward. I'd also written a list of what my emotional True North would look and feel like - and I saw I was on the right path.

And just like magic, when I realized I was ready, the words arrived. Of course they came at 4am, as most of my good ideas do - when my ability to block them is lowest. I almost went back to sleep with the a sense of acomplishment - then I realized I'd have to hurt myself if I forgot them before getting them down.

I decided to go into my office like a workday. I wrote down the words in my own hand (with kitties batting at the pen) and I imagined the things that may happen because I was brave enough to write them down. Whatever comes, I know I am ready to take this next step. Ready to be rejected and ready to be accepted too. Ready to stand on my feet and have faith that what happens is exactly what needs to happen.