Redecorating

While I am off this week I think I am going to redecorate my office. My office began it's life as the house junk room. I claimed it as my Craft Room but because I did not spend time crafting in it - it was renamed by hubby as my Crap Room.

It seemed to be a magnet for - well - crap. It's closest to the back door of the house and it was just so easy to toss in the things that came into the house that did not yet have a home. And during my frenzied years of trying to find an artistic voice - it was the place where unused art and craft supplies went to languish and die.

Eventually after a failed attempt at opening a wedding supply store it became the room of failed dreams. A really sad time, but one where I learned a great deal about myself. I wouldn't trade the experience but it was still hard.

Cut ahead to the happy day when I won the job I have of telecommuting and my office became My Office. I made it a place where business happens and cats can nap. But it still retains some of it's former life - wedding supplies in the closet, craft supplies on the shelves, and the occasional dumping ground of things without a home yet.

I think it's time to finally let go of the things I couldn't let go of before. I want my office to reflect what I want my life to become and not be a holdout of the life I gave up. I'm happy for those choices - because they brought me to writing. They brought me home.

Garage Sale

Hubby found out that a few of our neighbors are planning a Garage Sale this weekend. We're not really prepared for a big sale but there sure is some stuff laying around that could go.

On the one hand I love the idea of paring things down and getting rid of things we no longer need. I almost like getting rid of stuff more than acquiring it - okay maybe not that much. On the other hand I always feel a little miffed when people want to dicker.

When we had the last sale I put on what I thought was a fair price (I wanted the stuff to go). Only to have people offer way less than the price I put on it.All I could think about was how much I paid for it originally.

It was painful to see someone offer pennies on my dollars. It had a profound impact on me last time. Every time I thought about buying something I would wonder if it would be on next year's sales table.

It changed the way my hubby thought too. He discovered a real love of the thrill of the sale. He loved to dicker. So I plan on abandoning him and just enjoying the spoils.

So I can go out and get new stuff... on sale. Maybe at our neighbor's garage?

Random

Behold the sparkly glasses - they are still so delightful.

I'm planning on buying software to help me format screenplays. I can use all the help I can get. It all seems like a giant puzzle. I miss novel writing if for no other reason than ease of formatting. 

Okay I miss it for other reasons too. I like making pictures with words. Screenwriting is more like describing the picture with words. I hope that distinction makes sense - it makes sense to me. It seems easier to plot a screenplay and easier to lose yourself in writing a novel (in a good way).

Did I mention how done I already am with Summer? It has been so hot and I thought we were getting a break in temps but that came with humidity. Ugg. I can't wait till October!

Feeling Lost

No surprise. I am feeling a little lost again. I find myself here so often you would think I'd know the way out by now. I guess when you don't know which way to go - you just need to go somewhere. I'm certain that doing nothing is - doing nothing.

Yet doing nothing is so easy. Really. Just kick up my feet and wait for something. Seems a little passive, especially when I think aggressive is what's called for.

I think I am just feeling a little insecure about my screenplay and the idea of sending out query letters seems a little scary. So if I think it needs something - then I should fix it and get on with it. If I think it's good, then I should get it out there and let someone else tell me differently.

I am even considering taking the time to write it as a novel first. Yes - that is a clear stall technique.I may still want to do that - but it shouldn't prevent me from moving forward.

I read a book that gave some bleak odds on getting a script sold. I'm sure that's true but the chance of failure is 100% if I give up without trying. Just let it go crazy lady! Get on with it!!

Can I Get a Hooray?

Well I have to proof it but I finally finished my query letter. Woot! I found writing the two paragraphs to summarize my script was way harder than writing the 120 pages that came before.

I wrote a ton of different variations, and thought of so many more variations until I was sick of it all. I admit I was stuck. I was too much in my head and trying to hard to get in my own way - something I am very good at.

Maybe I should make getting in your own way a sport at Cat-A-Lympics? I could take gold.

So what moved me off my perch? I was cleaning out a forgotten drawer and I found the notebook I used to take notes when I took my writing classes about five years ago. I'm sure it was divine inspiration that made me clean out the drawer - certainly it is not an urge that strikes me on a regular day.

Somehow looking back at the notes a younger me made me realize how far I've come and that I'm ready to move forward. I'd also written a list of what my emotional True North would look and feel like - and I saw I was on the right path.

And just like magic, when I realized I was ready, the words arrived. Of course they came at 4am, as most of my good ideas do - when my ability to block them is lowest. I almost went back to sleep with the a sense of acomplishment - then I realized I'd have to hurt myself if I forgot them before getting them down.

I decided to go into my office like a workday. I wrote down the words in my own hand (with kitties batting at the pen) and I imagined the things that may happen because I was brave enough to write them down. Whatever comes, I know I am ready to take this next step. Ready to be rejected and ready to be accepted too. Ready to stand on my feet and have faith that what happens is exactly what needs to happen. 

Irritated with Myself

I am starting to feel a little cross with myself. I have a ton of things I should be doing and I'm not doing any of them. I am very busy - distracting myself.

If I could be okay with avoiding things that would be one thing, but I'm not. I spend more mental energy being upset with myself than it would take to just get it done. It's such a waste of time and effort.

I guess they call it a block for good reasons. I do feel all blocked up. I need to get back to a place of optimism to a place of confidence.

So this weekend I am going to have some conversations with myself and my creator and ask for some help to move forward again. I need some help to embrace whatever the next phase is going to look like.

I think I am going to take myself out on a date. Treat myself to something that interests me and feeds that part of me that needs a little TLC. I'm not sure what it will be yet - but I think it seems like a positive step to take... to offer myself love instead of just being a harsh critic.

What do you do to treat yourself with kindness?

Picture Imperfect

On my wedding anniversary I thought you might enjoy this little story about the day it all happened. Please enjoy.

I have noticed much attention is spent these days on creating “The Bride’s Perfect Wedding Day”. I find that amusing for two reasons. The groom is entirely left out of the sentence, as if he is just an accessory and somehow the day does not apply to him. Secondly, that for me, it is the imperfect things about our wedding I cherish the most twenty-two years later. 

I look back with great fondness on all the ways our wedding was less than picture perfect. The beautiful bouquets we spent days creating that were somehow left behind before we walked down the aisle, the lovely shoes that hurt my feet so bad I went through the reception barefoot (with no one but my husband the wiser), and the wedding cake fight we all had in front of my mother’s house when it was all over. I treasure those memories as much, if not more, than the moments that were perfect.

We hired a photographer to document “Our Perfect Day” and I love those “Picture Perfect” photographs. The one with me looking down at my bouquet (which thankfully, finally, made an appearance) with my new husband leaning in to give me a sweet kiss on the forehead, and the one that somehow miraculously took off an extra ten pounds (really twenty, it is that good!) as we stare into each others eyes with love.  There are many other pictures from our wedding I love, but again, for me, the two pictures I cherish the most are the ones that capture the imperfect moment. 

In the first picture, the whole wedding party is lined up to take a group shot. The photographer was trying to place us and ensure that everything looked perfect. All of our eyes were on the photographer as he gave us instructions on how and where to stand, except for my husband. Another photographer was also trying to document this moment and stood at slightly different vantage point. As we all focused in another direction, my husband looked at this other photographer and smiled the sweetest smile I can ever imagine. It is the smile of a five year old boy who has awakened to discover the perfect present has been left for him and that in fact it is better than the commercials promised it would be. In that moment I see all the joy my husband felt in marrying me. I still cry when he smiles at me that way, because I know that I am still his favorite present and he is mine. 

The other photograph I cherish is of my family. They are all outside enjoying the patio, the light is soft and gentle and dappled by trees. My father is holding my niece in his arms, my grandmother is sitting close by, my mother and my sister are standing next to them, and they are all laughing as if they just heard an amusing story. There are two pictures of this moment. The first is a normal picture, everything is in focus and in frame, no eyes are closed or mouths open unattractively.

The other version though is perfect to me. It is taken a millisecond later, as if the photographer hit the button again in error and had not meant to take this picture at all. No one has changed position and everything looks just the same, until you really look. This picture is just slightly out of focus, each person is slightly blurred but the background is still in focus. Perhaps the photographer was moving just a bit, but I think that my family was struck even more by the laughter from the imagined story. Each set of eyes are gleaming just a bit brighter.   

I love this picture for many reasons. It is one of the few pictures I have of my beloved grandmother, as she never felt she took a good picture and rarely allowed it. I do not often have the opportunity to see my father, as he lives far away and is often not well enough to make the trip. My niece was a newborn and it was one of the first times my father was able to hold her. My sister was beaming with the joy of being a new mother, a joy that had proved difficult for her to achieve. My mother is also rarely seen in pictures, as she too feels that the camera does not like her. So this group is rare to see together and that alone would make the first picture of this moment perfect. 

I love it more than the other normal picture because it looks as if in that blurred focus that they are frozen in that perfect moment of joy. All the people I love, in one picture imperfect moment.