Unblocking

It's funny how the oddest things sometimes can cause you to move forward.

Maybe I'm not alone, but I admit I have a few blocks that keep me from being what I most want to be. Blocks for me come down to one thing, fear. Fear that stands between me and the destiny I feel has been laid out for me. Destiny that I seem to fight for reasons I do not always understand.

I spent so many years floundering down different creative paths trying to find where I fit. My family is filled with talented artists and I tried to follow their footsteps, but nothing ever felt right. Painting was hard. Drawing was impossible. Sculpture was laughable.

Writing was easy. I thought that it must be easy for everyone.  

When I realized that writing was the path for me I was thrilled. What had always been easy would certainly continue to be so right? Wrong. Suddenly what had been easy - also became hard. I started to get hung up on the same things I did before - just dressed in a new form. Fear was back - not as paralyzing - but everything became difficult again.

I plan on busting down those blocks one at a time because I am tired of them being in my way. Maybe my sharing those blocks with you will help you to clear out blocks of your own, or at least it will help me to really get past them myself. I think that once fear sees the light of day it's going to be harder to go back to being a block. Let's get ready to rumble!

Off and On

Week three of my new job and I swing wildly from feeling like I may be getting it, and other moments when I am equally sure I am not. I have one foot in trainee mode and the other foot in doing real work. Neither footing feels particularly firm at this moment.

I'm sure it will all pass in time. There will come a day when I will say "I got this" - I just hope it comes sooner rather than later. In the meantime I will hold my head frequently so as not to allow it to burst.

I'm so grateful to have a new job. I really do feel it found me as much as I found it, so I have full faith that it will all be okay. Deep breath. I guess I am just not used to being this out of my depth at work - at home, that's another story.

I don't know what to do with my kitty blog. My girl is doing better than expected, but she's not doing much in the way of pawparazzi-worthy frolicking. I go from being sure I should try again to retire the blog for now, to being sure I should find another way to make it all work (cat-a-lympics headquarters, get a new kitten, or who knows what else).

I need to get back to writing again too. I've been on too long of a break from it and I feel out of sorts as a result.

I need to find my center. In the meantime thanks for reading my rantings. I hope to rally very soon.

Made It!

Well the first week of the new job is over. My brain is so full. I'm still a pudding-head, but I am starting to feel a few things settling in though, so that's promising. I guess you could say the pudding is starting to set.

That reminds me of... pudding. I got a cookbook from the library and it has a recipe for pudding using tofu... um, I just don't know. I have to say I am skeptical. For reasons I can not explain, I am somehow less skeptical of the recipes for brownies and fudge made with black beans.

I think I am going to give em a try this weekend. I mean how amazing would it be to have delicious brownies that were actually good for you. Yep, I'm living the dream friends.

What do you have planned for this weekend friends?

It's Here!

So day two of the new job and so far so good. I am a little brain dead with all the new things I am learning.

I feel like I've landed in another country, and the language is something I've never heard. Sure I know most of the words, but they are used in unfamiliar combinations. I'm sure it will all come together at some point, but for now I am trying to let it all soak in gradually.


I met my mentor today. The one who belongs to the writer's group from down the street. She is delightful. I'm hopeful we can forge a nice friendship on common ground.

I'm too much of a pudding head to manage too many more thoughts tonight.

I got a request for a meeting that starts at 4am my time tomorrow morning. I think that has to be optional right?

Take Care

I am well on the mend after the tooth outing. Ready for business, if not yet for really solid food. I had a long weekend to recoup and I have to say it got me thinking.

What is it about being sick that allows me to take care of myself far better than when I am well? When I am sick, I listen to my body.

I sleep when I'm tired, even if it's at 6pm on a Friday. I get up when I am no longer tired, even if it's at 4am on a Sunday.

I put down the laptop and welcome my kitty Finny into my lap, even when I have writing to do. We watch TV or read books together (I do most of the reading). I tell my husband what I want when he asks if he can get me something.

I eat when I am hungry and I don't when I'm not hungry.  I eat what will nourish me and stay away from things that will be harmful for me.

I got a visceral reaction when the waitress put down my breakfast yesterday. "This is way too much food for a lady with a sore jaw." I thought. The realization that it was also way too much food for a lady without a sore jaw rushed in right after. I've had to eat slowly and consider each bite, and I like that it has made me enjoy each bite and know when enough was enough.

I'm so grateful that I am healing well and getting better all the time, but I think I will take some of the things I've learned from being sick and try to get better all the time.

Yippee!

I recently posted about the fact that I had turned into the office curmudgeon and I was determined to change myself back into the joyful person I am meant to be. I am very excited to report that I have a new job! As of the end of February I will be a Senior Instructional Designer.

I had spent a great deal of time thinking about all the things I really hoped for in a job. I wanted to write and be creative for a living. I wanted to still be connected to a group of great co-workers and have a great boss. This job has all those things.

The funny thing is that it's not the job I initially applied for, but it seems the right job found me instead.

Turns out that the nice woman who interviewed me for the original job thought I should have this job instead. She contacted my new boss and mentioned me, they contacted a recruiter who asked if I minded being considered for a promotion instead.  I said it would be fine. The next thing I knew I had an interview and a new job offer.

I was still wrestling with the choice to leave my current job and having a difficult time with the decision. I like so many of the things about my current job, and I wished it could become the job I needed to move forward.

I suddenly remembered a dream I had when I applied for the job inititally. I had wrestled with the decision to look for a new job at all and I had asked for a sign and that night the dream came. In the dream I was faced with a decision to follow my family down a scary staircase that was also a waterfall, I think we all remember how graceful I am, I was afraid of falling so I decided to find an elevator instead.

The elevator ride was even scarier it turned out, and it dropped me off far from my destination. I had to spend the rest of the dream struggling to find my way back to my loved ones. I realized that the message I was being sent was that no matter how scary the obvious path looks, in the long run it's less scary than not following it. It is the obvious path for a reason.

Even though change is scary for me, I can see that this is clearly the obvious path. I am heeding the message the universe was kind enough to send to me (multiple times and in multiple formats) and following the path towards the future.

Off

Do you ever just feel... off.

There's nothing wrong with me (well no more than I can usually claim anyway). It seems like I'm sandwiched right between feelings. I'm not really on one side, or the other. When I do find myself on one side of a feeling, I feel like I am on the wrong side.

I'm not in a full-on funk, maybe call it a funklet. I try not make big decisions when I feel this way, for fear any decision I would make would be off too.


I think I'll write in my journal to see if I can get back on. There's something transforming about writing something down. I typically try to write three pages in a journal a day, and there is something magical about those three pages.

The first page is usually all the blather on the surface of my mind, and is rarely inspiring or enlightening. Somewhere on the second page my mind runs out of blather and I sit stumped for content. Then the magic starts to happen, as suddenly my mind shifts to a deeper place and I start to see a pattern in a situation or a mental thread appears that I can unravel. Often by the time I make it to page three all the thoughts in my head are in clear focus, and I could go on to page four and five.

There are also days when by page two I have nothing, and by page three I am scraping the bottom of the mental barrel and coming up dry with every sentence a struggle.You just never know what you're gonna get when you're off.