Block Two

My next block was a worry that I had about dedication.

I have always been a person who is very driven at working for someone else. I have also been a person who is un-motivated when it comes to working for myself.

I worried that if I was allowed to work at home writing that I would be unable to work and accomplish things. I am in month three of my new job of working from home. I am happy to report I am just as dedicated to my work when I am home.

So I've proved to myself that I can be dedicated and get a full days work done on a daily basis. Would I be that dedicated if I was writing the things I want to write - rather than the things I am getting paid to write? Well it's still a question, but I see it for what it is now.

It's fear. It's another block in the wall of things that hold me back. I now know that I am capable of great dedication to work even at home. So would I rather write about worky stuff or about my screenplay, or novel, or this blog, or my new cat book? I think the answer is clear.

Since writing the things I feel passionate about doesn't pay the bills yet, I will be filling my off-hours with the same dedication to my own ideas. Don't I deserve to have the same level of dedication for myself that I give so freely to others?

Yes I do. Block broken and slowly being removed.

Block One

My first block came down recently in the most unexpected way. I did an exercise awhile back where I had to complete this sentence:

A writer is....

I was surprised by my answers. A writer was - lots of things I am not. Snooty, full of themselves, condescending, and pompous. I think those must have come from watching too much TV because it's not the case in any writers I actually know.

A writer was also some things I was more familiar with like unemployed, poor and frustrated. Why did I want to be a writer?

My answers weren't all bad. Writers were also well-educated, famous, and great with grammar.

I can't deny that there are some writers who are probably are some or all of those things. None of that really matters though because I am none of those things (okay maybe frustrated). Was I afraid I would be become someone totally different if I reached the elusive title of Writer? At some level yes I was. It's like Being a Writer was some magic wand that would totally transform me. Or if I couldn't be those things that I would be denied access to some secret club.

That block was broken by all things the Internal Revenue Service. On this year's taxes I finally made enough money to have to declare myself a Writer.

I am still me - minus one block of fear. I know it seems silly but it has been incredibly freeing. So friends is there something you want to be but are afraid to be? Try to answer your sentence and see if there might be some deep dark thoughts holding you back.

Unblocking

It's funny how the oddest things sometimes can cause you to move forward.

Maybe I'm not alone, but I admit I have a few blocks that keep me from being what I most want to be. Blocks for me come down to one thing, fear. Fear that stands between me and the destiny I feel has been laid out for me. Destiny that I seem to fight for reasons I do not always understand.

I spent so many years floundering down different creative paths trying to find where I fit. My family is filled with talented artists and I tried to follow their footsteps, but nothing ever felt right. Painting was hard. Drawing was impossible. Sculpture was laughable.

Writing was easy. I thought that it must be easy for everyone.  

When I realized that writing was the path for me I was thrilled. What had always been easy would certainly continue to be so right? Wrong. Suddenly what had been easy - also became hard. I started to get hung up on the same things I did before - just dressed in a new form. Fear was back - not as paralyzing - but everything became difficult again.

I plan on busting down those blocks one at a time because I am tired of them being in my way. Maybe my sharing those blocks with you will help you to clear out blocks of your own, or at least it will help me to really get past them myself. I think that once fear sees the light of day it's going to be harder to go back to being a block. Let's get ready to rumble!

Off and On

Week three of my new job and I swing wildly from feeling like I may be getting it, and other moments when I am equally sure I am not. I have one foot in trainee mode and the other foot in doing real work. Neither footing feels particularly firm at this moment.

I'm sure it will all pass in time. There will come a day when I will say "I got this" - I just hope it comes sooner rather than later. In the meantime I will hold my head frequently so as not to allow it to burst.

I'm so grateful to have a new job. I really do feel it found me as much as I found it, so I have full faith that it will all be okay. Deep breath. I guess I am just not used to being this out of my depth at work - at home, that's another story.

I don't know what to do with my kitty blog. My girl is doing better than expected, but she's not doing much in the way of pawparazzi-worthy frolicking. I go from being sure I should try again to retire the blog for now, to being sure I should find another way to make it all work (cat-a-lympics headquarters, get a new kitten, or who knows what else).

I need to get back to writing again too. I've been on too long of a break from it and I feel out of sorts as a result.

I need to find my center. In the meantime thanks for reading my rantings. I hope to rally very soon.

Made It!

Well the first week of the new job is over. My brain is so full. I'm still a pudding-head, but I am starting to feel a few things settling in though, so that's promising. I guess you could say the pudding is starting to set.

That reminds me of... pudding. I got a cookbook from the library and it has a recipe for pudding using tofu... um, I just don't know. I have to say I am skeptical. For reasons I can not explain, I am somehow less skeptical of the recipes for brownies and fudge made with black beans.

I think I am going to give em a try this weekend. I mean how amazing would it be to have delicious brownies that were actually good for you. Yep, I'm living the dream friends.

What do you have planned for this weekend friends?

It's Here!

So day two of the new job and so far so good. I am a little brain dead with all the new things I am learning.

I feel like I've landed in another country, and the language is something I've never heard. Sure I know most of the words, but they are used in unfamiliar combinations. I'm sure it will all come together at some point, but for now I am trying to let it all soak in gradually.


I met my mentor today. The one who belongs to the writer's group from down the street. She is delightful. I'm hopeful we can forge a nice friendship on common ground.

I'm too much of a pudding head to manage too many more thoughts tonight.

I got a request for a meeting that starts at 4am my time tomorrow morning. I think that has to be optional right?

Take Care

I am well on the mend after the tooth outing. Ready for business, if not yet for really solid food. I had a long weekend to recoup and I have to say it got me thinking.

What is it about being sick that allows me to take care of myself far better than when I am well? When I am sick, I listen to my body.

I sleep when I'm tired, even if it's at 6pm on a Friday. I get up when I am no longer tired, even if it's at 4am on a Sunday.

I put down the laptop and welcome my kitty Finny into my lap, even when I have writing to do. We watch TV or read books together (I do most of the reading). I tell my husband what I want when he asks if he can get me something.

I eat when I am hungry and I don't when I'm not hungry.  I eat what will nourish me and stay away from things that will be harmful for me.

I got a visceral reaction when the waitress put down my breakfast yesterday. "This is way too much food for a lady with a sore jaw." I thought. The realization that it was also way too much food for a lady without a sore jaw rushed in right after. I've had to eat slowly and consider each bite, and I like that it has made me enjoy each bite and know when enough was enough.

I'm so grateful that I am healing well and getting better all the time, but I think I will take some of the things I've learned from being sick and try to get better all the time.