Who is In?

So a few years ago I thought about the best parts of X-mas gifting. Here was my list:

1. Giving the perfect gift to someone - the perfect one - that lights them up.
2. Receiving the perfect gift - the one you want - but would never feel okay about splurging on.
3. Wrapping paper - I like the wrapping and unwrapping. 
4. The look of surprise on your loved one's face. 

So I came up with this brilliant plan to get all of the above:

1. You and your gift recipient come up with a budget for the gift. 
2. You go out and buy yourself the exact present you want. Your recipient does the same and gets whatever they want.
3. You wrap yours and your partner wraps their own gift.
4. On X-Mas you switch gifts and open the other person's gift to themselves. Allowing for unwrapping and surprise. I think it would be so fun to see what the other person really wanted, plus you still get your present back - giving you the perfect gift too.

Who is with me?

Nervous

Well two people are reading my second draft of the screenplay and I am nervous. I hope they like it. Although it isn't the kind of thing I think either of them would normally gravitate too.

I feel like a nervous Mom who's sent her kid to the first day of school. Hoping the other kids like her and if they influence her that it's all for the best.

Decorating?

I feel so torn this year. I love to decorate the house for the holidays. I had stopped for a few sad years and then started up again about three years ago.

It made me so happy to sit reading a book with the twinkle of Christmas lights all over the place. Aside from a few whaps at ornaments and lots of naps under the tree my Finny was a well behaved elder statescat. I miss her so much this year. I just knew last year that is would likely be the last Christmas holiday with my girl. I made a point to enjoy every moment I had with her.

Enter our boy. We just adore him. He is so crazy though, and such a klutz. I know he will be unable to resist, well, everything. I think instead of a star at the top of the tree we will have a very ample-sized kitten.

Ornaments? They don't stand a chance.

The mantle? Questionable. With stockings? Um, no.

The "snow-covered" mini trees on the pass-thru? Dangerous.

The white feather theme? Seems a risky choice at this time.

The delicate glass icicles? Um, maybe never again.

Real

I finished the second draft of the screen play (someday book). Yippee! I think it probably needs a little breather to gain objectivity and then another go through.

I started to write it as a book too. It seems to take a totally different part of my brain, and it's oddly disconcerting.

I've been working on it for such a long time - and thinking about for far longer than that.

It was really the oddest thing though. Last night when hubby brought me the first printed out copy I had the most emotional reaction. It felt so real, so substantial suddenly. I almost started to cry.

Funny how being able to touch something in your hands makes it so different.

Working

I've started my review of my first draft. Overall I think I had a good first effort. I've thought of some things to add in, and found some things to take out so far.

I feel like I really know and understand all the characters now.I get what makes them tick, and how they would react. Now I just have to make sure it's clear to the audience, but without being too clear either.

I feel like it's going to come together though. I wasn't always so sure it would. Writing smaller things it's easier to see where you are going, and tweak what you started when it ends differently than you thought. When you have hundred and twenty pages of content it's daunting to think of changing direction - even a small change ripples through.

For the longest time I felt like I was all changes. Next time I may do this whole process a little differently. Not sure how, but maybe different, or maybe not. Maybe all I was missing when I started was faith in the fact it would all work out. 

No Reason

Over the last few days, I have encountered an unexpected feeling of anxiety. I don't have a great reason for it, but I keep tripping over it just the same.

Everything is going pretty well actually. I wonder if that is part of the anxiety?

I used to think every time something good happened, something bad was coming. Cosmic karma if you will. I think it was my way of feeling like I controlled the Universe. So if I didn't allow myself to admit, and enjoy the good things, then the bad thing wouldn't come. On some level, it made perfect sense to me. Except it kept me from ever really enjoying life.

I've come a long way, but maybe I haven't completely left it behind. Maybe remnants are still rooted deep, like tree roots waiting to trip me up. I think it's time to hunt out the emotional tree stump and pull it out.

Guess what?

Okay there is still lots of steps to go, but...

I finished the first draft of my screenplay/book. Of course in my head - it was finished a long time ago. It's already a movie, playing for an audience of one.

All those years of it being in my head, haunting me, and now it's all out on the page, and on a flash drive.

I feel relieved, but a bit daunted by all the steps still to come. I will worry about all that later, today I am just going to bask in a sense of accomplishment.