Happy Holidays!

I'm happy to be back. It's been a challenging year for me, which I'll talk about another time, but I am just happy to be feeling happy and in the holiday spirit today.

I hope everyone else is doing well too!

As a little love to my friends I've put the Kindle edition of my book, Pain by Proxy on a sale through the 30th.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01DLKIMUK

I'll be back soon, when my people leave town, until then stay warm and filled with joy my friends!

Vacation Days

I'm excited for a four day weekend coming up. It's been a long week at work, even though it was only the three days.

I've had "writing" at the top of my "must do" list for so long, but now that the book is out (did I already say that? IT IS) it feels odd to have a long weekend and not feel the pressure of writing.

I had a few moments when I thought - Do I really want to be a writer?

The answer was yes, but it felt interesting to run the idea around the track.

I do see that I need to have some creative balance, and explore other activities that can feed my energy and feel fun and adventurous rather than like a job.

So this weekend I'd like to start thinking about other creative projects I might enjoy.

So friends, what creative activities fill your soul?

Book Video - Oh Boy!

I made a little book video. My first video ever - I don't think I need to tell you the cats may never live a quiet life of solitude again.

Nervous and Excited

The date for the book release is drawing closer and I feel nervous and excited for it to arrive. I'm working on correcting a few little things in the files and making a book video.

Part of me wonders if a book video helps at all... what do you think friends?

Do you like to have a little author insight into a book you're reading?

After you've read it?

Do you like knowing what the author of a book looks like?

Thanks for participating in my ramble for the day!

And We're Back

It's been a long time since I've posted on this blog my friends. I can't say I'll post too often. How about, I'll post when I feel compelled to say something, rather than feel compelled because of some external force.

Today I'm posting to say my book, which began as a screenplay is about to be out. Pain By Proxy is up for pre-sale on the e-book stores.

Isn't the cover pretty? My big sis made it!

It'll go live on the 16th of April and I'm super excited... and a little scared.

It's been such a long journey, and it hasn't been easy, and now for better or worse, it's over. I worry that I'm throwing a party and no one will come. I suppose that's the way you always feel when you finish a creative project.

You put your heart and soul into something, and then you put it out into the world to find it's place. You hope it'll find acceptance, and no one will take it's lunch money.

In these moments of fear and doubt, I wonder why I felt it necessary to do it at all... because I did feel it was necessary. I tried to ignore the call, and it wouldn't leave me. I have to trust there was a reason, and a purpose, and give up my fears.

So off into the world you go, little booky. Play nice with the other books! And if anyone's mean to you, well you know what to do - I made you strong and capable of kicking butt for a reason.

So Exciting

I am feeling pretty excited! I had sent my screenplay off to a "Coverage Service." It's similar to editing for a novel. They rate your script on things like concept, dialogue, characters and plotting. They also give it an overall rating.

My overall rating was a Strong Consider, which is very good for a first attempt. Not yet a Recommend but pretty close. I am so happy to know I was on the right track.

My little script has "a truly original premise, a compelling plot, memorably complex characters and strong dialog throughout." Yippee!! He said my antagonist was sheer cinema candy and might be the sexiest character ever devised. Who knew?   

The Coverer (not sure that is a real term) had a couple of concerns regarding the plot in the middle sections and I think I was able to fix his concerns. So hopefully the next time someone reads it, someone who would buy it, they will. Of course that's the hard part - getting it into the hands of the right person.

It's a bit daunting, but I am just going to follow my instincts and hope that the Universe wants to help. I'm hopeful that someone will help me navigate the waters of Hollywood and avoid the sharks.

Breaking Rules

I was starting to work on my first assignment for my class and I was really struggling. Since it's about embracing your imperfections I thought maybe I should just do the assignments very plainly - nothing fancy - just the facts. It didn't feel like me. It did not feel - happy. I don't want to feel like I have to be perfect, but I do want to be true to myself - and I am a sparkly and glittery person. I don't want to be that serious.

I've decided to embrace my inner rule breaker and make my art journal in an old book I'd bought years ago on the discard table for .25 cents. I gathered up all my pretty iridescent powders and placed it all in a pile for after work.

I was sitting at my desk this afternoon in a boring conference call and I looked over and... Yep friends I made my art tags in the middle of a conference call! I had more fun than anyone has a right to at work. An hour later my call was over and I'd completed my assignment. I was so joyful.

Sometimes breaking the rules, and a little glitter, is all you need.

Fitting In

I signed up to take an e-course (by Oprah and Brene Brown) on Embracing Your Imperfections. I have quite a few to embrace. It's all about learning to embrace who you are and stop caring what everyone else thinks. Something I was surprised that I really do care about, and that I wish I didn't so much.

I had the funniest reaction to my required supply list. It was a short list:

• A watercolor journal.
• Watercolor paints. 
• Brushes.
• Markers.
• Double-sided tape. 

Over the years of my artistic struggle, I have amassed a rather large collection of art supplies. I knew I had watercolor pencils (unused) and I felt pretty sure I had a pad of watercolor paper. Yet I wasn't really sure where they were, and the idea of getting "new" supplies had me planning a trip to the art store.


Friday I looked over at the bookshelf in my office and there they were - the pad and the pencils. It was like they were sitting there just waiting for me to need them. Suddenly all this anxiety started to come up inside me.

It wasn't the "official" supplies, which meant I was going to be breaking the rules. I was suddenly back in high school, and I couldn't afford the "right" shoes for gym. I was teased cruelly for the knockoff Vans my mom had purchased. I didn't want to be different then and I didn't now - I wanted to fit in. I wanted to do the assignment correctly and be given an e-pat on the back.

Then another thought occurred to me - I was also afraid I would do a good job and be called out for cheating because I didn't have the right supplies.So essentially I couldn't win.

If I caved and got new supplies, then I was just losing the point of the class. If I did well, then maybe I was cheating. If I did poorly, I could blame my failure on not having the right tools. So my default is to be mediocre by design. I hate that. If I'm going to stink or soar at something I want to do it organically not by my own grand design.

Crabby Kitties

I don't know what got into the boys today, but they were a handful. So crazy because yesterday they were so cute together you could almost hurt yourself from squealing over this scene...

Today they must have gotten into some disagreement (maybe Quill demanded equal time?) and the daily wrestling matches took on an unfriendly tone. Funny that I am not sure who is the one being too aggressive. They both look like they are giving it all they have. Quill outweighs Greyson by a lot but is really gentle, and Greyson is small and scrappy. I have never found even a scratch on Greyson, but he is a squealer. Quill is usually silent but I find an occasional little scab. 

Today wasn't too serious, but I decided to separate them a few times. I worry sometimes that it isn't a fair fight. Of course as soon as I did they cried by the door to get back to each other. 

I'd think we were all friends and then it was "on" again. Sigh. Right now they are sleeping around my chair and seem to be friends again.

Redecorating

While I am off this week I think I am going to redecorate my office. My office began it's life as the house junk room. I claimed it as my Craft Room but because I did not spend time crafting in it - it was renamed by hubby as my Crap Room.

It seemed to be a magnet for - well - crap. It's closest to the back door of the house and it was just so easy to toss in the things that came into the house that did not yet have a home. And during my frenzied years of trying to find an artistic voice - it was the place where unused art and craft supplies went to languish and die.

Eventually after a failed attempt at opening a wedding supply store it became the room of failed dreams. A really sad time, but one where I learned a great deal about myself. I wouldn't trade the experience but it was still hard.

Cut ahead to the happy day when I won the job I have of telecommuting and my office became My Office. I made it a place where business happens and cats can nap. But it still retains some of it's former life - wedding supplies in the closet, craft supplies on the shelves, and the occasional dumping ground of things without a home yet.

I think it's time to finally let go of the things I couldn't let go of before. I want my office to reflect what I want my life to become and not be a holdout of the life I gave up. I'm happy for those choices - because they brought me to writing. They brought me home.

Garage Sale

Hubby found out that a few of our neighbors are planning a Garage Sale this weekend. We're not really prepared for a big sale but there sure is some stuff laying around that could go.

On the one hand I love the idea of paring things down and getting rid of things we no longer need. I almost like getting rid of stuff more than acquiring it - okay maybe not that much. On the other hand I always feel a little miffed when people want to dicker.

When we had the last sale I put on what I thought was a fair price (I wanted the stuff to go). Only to have people offer way less than the price I put on it.All I could think about was how much I paid for it originally.

It was painful to see someone offer pennies on my dollars. It had a profound impact on me last time. Every time I thought about buying something I would wonder if it would be on next year's sales table.

It changed the way my hubby thought too. He discovered a real love of the thrill of the sale. He loved to dicker. So I plan on abandoning him and just enjoying the spoils.

So I can go out and get new stuff... on sale. Maybe at our neighbor's garage?

Random

Behold the sparkly glasses - they are still so delightful.

I'm planning on buying software to help me format screenplays. I can use all the help I can get. It all seems like a giant puzzle. I miss novel writing if for no other reason than ease of formatting. 

Okay I miss it for other reasons too. I like making pictures with words. Screenwriting is more like describing the picture with words. I hope that distinction makes sense - it makes sense to me. It seems easier to plot a screenplay and easier to lose yourself in writing a novel (in a good way).

Did I mention how done I already am with Summer? It has been so hot and I thought we were getting a break in temps but that came with humidity. Ugg. I can't wait till October!

Feeling Lost

No surprise. I am feeling a little lost again. I find myself here so often you would think I'd know the way out by now. I guess when you don't know which way to go - you just need to go somewhere. I'm certain that doing nothing is - doing nothing.

Yet doing nothing is so easy. Really. Just kick up my feet and wait for something. Seems a little passive, especially when I think aggressive is what's called for.

I think I am just feeling a little insecure about my screenplay and the idea of sending out query letters seems a little scary. So if I think it needs something - then I should fix it and get on with it. If I think it's good, then I should get it out there and let someone else tell me differently.

I am even considering taking the time to write it as a novel first. Yes - that is a clear stall technique.I may still want to do that - but it shouldn't prevent me from moving forward.

I read a book that gave some bleak odds on getting a script sold. I'm sure that's true but the chance of failure is 100% if I give up without trying. Just let it go crazy lady! Get on with it!!

Can I Get a Hooray?

Well I have to proof it but I finally finished my query letter. Woot! I found writing the two paragraphs to summarize my script was way harder than writing the 120 pages that came before.

I wrote a ton of different variations, and thought of so many more variations until I was sick of it all. I admit I was stuck. I was too much in my head and trying to hard to get in my own way - something I am very good at.

Maybe I should make getting in your own way a sport at Cat-A-Lympics? I could take gold.

So what moved me off my perch? I was cleaning out a forgotten drawer and I found the notebook I used to take notes when I took my writing classes about five years ago. I'm sure it was divine inspiration that made me clean out the drawer - certainly it is not an urge that strikes me on a regular day.

Somehow looking back at the notes a younger me made me realize how far I've come and that I'm ready to move forward. I'd also written a list of what my emotional True North would look and feel like - and I saw I was on the right path.

And just like magic, when I realized I was ready, the words arrived. Of course they came at 4am, as most of my good ideas do - when my ability to block them is lowest. I almost went back to sleep with the a sense of acomplishment - then I realized I'd have to hurt myself if I forgot them before getting them down.

I decided to go into my office like a workday. I wrote down the words in my own hand (with kitties batting at the pen) and I imagined the things that may happen because I was brave enough to write them down. Whatever comes, I know I am ready to take this next step. Ready to be rejected and ready to be accepted too. Ready to stand on my feet and have faith that what happens is exactly what needs to happen. 

Irritated with Myself

I am starting to feel a little cross with myself. I have a ton of things I should be doing and I'm not doing any of them. I am very busy - distracting myself.

If I could be okay with avoiding things that would be one thing, but I'm not. I spend more mental energy being upset with myself than it would take to just get it done. It's such a waste of time and effort.

I guess they call it a block for good reasons. I do feel all blocked up. I need to get back to a place of optimism to a place of confidence.

So this weekend I am going to have some conversations with myself and my creator and ask for some help to move forward again. I need some help to embrace whatever the next phase is going to look like.

I think I am going to take myself out on a date. Treat myself to something that interests me and feeds that part of me that needs a little TLC. I'm not sure what it will be yet - but I think it seems like a positive step to take... to offer myself love instead of just being a harsh critic.

What do you do to treat yourself with kindness?

Picture Imperfect

On my wedding anniversary I thought you might enjoy this little story about the day it all happened. Please enjoy.

I have noticed much attention is spent these days on creating “The Bride’s Perfect Wedding Day”. I find that amusing for two reasons. The groom is entirely left out of the sentence, as if he is just an accessory and somehow the day does not apply to him. Secondly, that for me, it is the imperfect things about our wedding I cherish the most twenty-two years later. 

I look back with great fondness on all the ways our wedding was less than picture perfect. The beautiful bouquets we spent days creating that were somehow left behind before we walked down the aisle, the lovely shoes that hurt my feet so bad I went through the reception barefoot (with no one but my husband the wiser), and the wedding cake fight we all had in front of my mother’s house when it was all over. I treasure those memories as much, if not more, than the moments that were perfect.

We hired a photographer to document “Our Perfect Day” and I love those “Picture Perfect” photographs. The one with me looking down at my bouquet (which thankfully, finally, made an appearance) with my new husband leaning in to give me a sweet kiss on the forehead, and the one that somehow miraculously took off an extra ten pounds (really twenty, it is that good!) as we stare into each others eyes with love.  There are many other pictures from our wedding I love, but again, for me, the two pictures I cherish the most are the ones that capture the imperfect moment. 

In the first picture, the whole wedding party is lined up to take a group shot. The photographer was trying to place us and ensure that everything looked perfect. All of our eyes were on the photographer as he gave us instructions on how and where to stand, except for my husband. Another photographer was also trying to document this moment and stood at slightly different vantage point. As we all focused in another direction, my husband looked at this other photographer and smiled the sweetest smile I can ever imagine. It is the smile of a five year old boy who has awakened to discover the perfect present has been left for him and that in fact it is better than the commercials promised it would be. In that moment I see all the joy my husband felt in marrying me. I still cry when he smiles at me that way, because I know that I am still his favorite present and he is mine. 

The other photograph I cherish is of my family. They are all outside enjoying the patio, the light is soft and gentle and dappled by trees. My father is holding my niece in his arms, my grandmother is sitting close by, my mother and my sister are standing next to them, and they are all laughing as if they just heard an amusing story. There are two pictures of this moment. The first is a normal picture, everything is in focus and in frame, no eyes are closed or mouths open unattractively.

The other version though is perfect to me. It is taken a millisecond later, as if the photographer hit the button again in error and had not meant to take this picture at all. No one has changed position and everything looks just the same, until you really look. This picture is just slightly out of focus, each person is slightly blurred but the background is still in focus. Perhaps the photographer was moving just a bit, but I think that my family was struck even more by the laughter from the imagined story. Each set of eyes are gleaming just a bit brighter.   

I love this picture for many reasons. It is one of the few pictures I have of my beloved grandmother, as she never felt she took a good picture and rarely allowed it. I do not often have the opportunity to see my father, as he lives far away and is often not well enough to make the trip. My niece was a newborn and it was one of the first times my father was able to hold her. My sister was beaming with the joy of being a new mother, a joy that had proved difficult for her to achieve. My mother is also rarely seen in pictures, as she too feels that the camera does not like her. So this group is rare to see together and that alone would make the first picture of this moment perfect. 

I love it more than the other normal picture because it looks as if in that blurred focus that they are frozen in that perfect moment of joy. All the people I love, in one picture imperfect moment.

The Little Things

Sometimes it's the little things that mean the world to me.

Monday night we had a horrible wind storm in town. It sounded like the house was in the Dyson. I turned over in the bed and was so happy to see Quill in his old spot on his wobbie next to me.

Unless the door was shut, with Greyson firmly on the other side, Quill had given up his spot to Greyson. He was spending his nights under the bed or at the end of the bed. Meanwhile Greyson was sprawled in his old spot.

I couldn't help but feel a little guilty that Greyson had booted him out of his spot. I was taking time to make Quill feel welcome in the bed as often as I could. Secret meetings when we could snuggle like old times.

So when I saw he was scared and close to me I was so happy he felt safe there again.

A short time later Greyson came onboard. I thought Quill would move but instead Greyson tucked in next to him and they both stayed put.

They have been enjoying the bed with us ever since.  Greyson comes first and once he's out, Quill comes up.

My heart just soars when I hear Quill purring his way to sleep again beside me. I just love looking over and seeing both my boys with me. Sometimes it's the little things - sleeping alongside the big things - that make me happy.

So Ready

I have been working on this project for awhile at work and I can see the end in my sights. I am so ready for it to be over. Sometimes you just want to be in to something new and different.

I have been in my job for a year and I still feel like each project is something totally new to learn. I like learning new things. Even on the hardest day - I still am so grateful for my job. I love writing. I love working from home. I love my furry co-workers.

Still I know the next job I want is to be able to write things I truly care about. Write stories that change the way people think - maybe make them laugh or cry.

I can't wait for the day I get to sit down at my desk as a (well paid) writer. It's so exciting to think about! I just hope it's not too far away.

Until then I will continue to be so happy for everything I have... and maybe plan for a little vacation. I think some time off might bring everything into focus.

Finally Friday

Friday I am so glad you're back! Boy have I missed you this week!

It has been a rough week at work. I am ready for the break. My best pal is coming to town and I am taking Monday off. Projects be darned.

The kitties have taken to a few rounds of wrestle mania in my office at about 9am every morning this week. I happen to have been on conference calls for each round.

I've had to scramble to shoo them out of the office - actually one of them - to calm things down.

Things always seem to start with a bath. One of them starts to give the other a bath - soon the licks become chews and then it's ON. This week things seem a bit more intense - but they both keep coming back for more. I decided to spray a little calming spray around all the hot spots. We'll see how it goes.

Next week is Quill's Birthday - at least the one I backed into. I can't believe my sweet boy is a year old already. In May it will be his Gotcha Day.

Between now and then there will be a sad anniversary. The day I lost my girl Finny. I still miss her so, but I am always comforted by the feeling she is here with me. I can't be sad for too long when I have two handsome kitty faces staring back at me with love.

Special

I was strolling through the grocery store the other day when I spied them. A whole display of lovely orchid plants.

I just love orchids. I had them all over my wedding, so many years ago. The are special to me. They're so delicate and yet sturdy too. Often they need a little support to stand tall and I think it's a nice reminder that we all need a little support sometimes.

Now, I love them - too much to take them home. Because I fear I am a killer - of plants. I do try to keep them healthy. I tend to be an overwaterer. Kill em with kindness is my motto.

Plus of course they are pricey and I have mentioned before I am a little cheap. I typically can't justify 20+ dollars for a plant.

So like every other time I see the bounty of loveliness - I headed right over to admire them. Then I saw the price. A 4.99 Easter blow-out. Seriously? Five bucks! Seriously!

So now I have a lovely orchid plant on the kitchen counter. Creamy white petals with bold pink centers. I am enjoying them so very much.

No special occasion - just life - and I'm seeing that is reason enough to treat yourself to something special.